The former Collingwood and West Coast premiership coach appeared before the Melbourne Magistrates Court on Monday to give evidence in a hearing for three men who allegedly tried to break into his East Melbourne unit.
The 72-year-old AFL/VFL games record holder for coaching said he had been drifting in and out of sleep next to his wife Nanette when he heard a unique "pinging" sound outside his top-floor unit on September 4, 2025.
Picking up an exercise bar, he went out to investigate the noise, only to find the three men allegedly clamouring outside his door with a crowbar.
Andrew Carroll, Aysar Mashu and Joshua Di Cello have been charged over the attempted home invasion.
There was a "chaotic" scuffle on the small top landing, where Malthouse said he "cracked" one of the men with the bar twice and was hit on the arm with a crowbar, causing a bruise.
The men then allegedly fled downstairs into the basement garage with Malthouse giving chase barefoot and in his pyjamas.
But they were trapped and scrambling after being unable to open the garage roller or exit door.
"It was like trying to herd cats. They were all over the place," he told the court.
As Malthouse yelled at the men, one allegedly told him they "got the wrong building" and that "someone owes us money".
"They were like a bunch of cockatoos. Once one said it, the others said it," he said.
He ordered them to stand in a corner and away from the exit before he opened the door for them to leave.
The trio "streamed past" while he swung the exercise bar at them.
Malthouse recounted how the second man allegedly lunged and "stabbed" him in the sternum with a screwdriver, causing him to bleed.
"That'll teach you, you bastard," Malthouse alleged the man said.
The third man allegedly held a crowbar in the air to strike the AFL legend before he grabbed it and "whacked" him on the side of the head with the exercise bar.
"I was conscious (that) had I not done it, the bar would've landed on my head," he said.
Defence lawyer John Desmond questioned Malthouse's recollection of events, including pointing to discrepancies in the evidence he delivered in court, and the two signed statements he gave to police.
He also accused the three-time premiership coach of trapping the three accused home invaders by delaying opening the door.
"From where they were standing, there was no other way to get past you. Their liberty was deprived, Mr Malthouse, in those seconds, those minutes by you," Mr Desmond said.
"I agree I did hold the door for as long as I could, knowing there was no way I could control their movements," Malthouse responded.
The defence lawyer put it to him that was justifiably angry in that moment, which he agreed.
"You made a decision to confront them and ask questions later, assault them and ask questions later. You felt entitled to," Mr Desmond said.
The hearing resumes on Tuesday.
Malthouse played 174 VFL games for St Kilda and Richmond, including the latter's 1980 premiership, before embarking on a record-breaking 718-game coaching career at Western Bulldogs, West Coast, Collingwood and Carlton, masterminding three premierships (1992, 1994, 2010).
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